Dudes I just can’t join the “bandwagon” on. Part 1

There seems to be some “bandwagon” riders out there on Lil Wheezy, Plies, Akon, and the list could go on. I don’t get it… I don’t know what it is. But then I’m one of those women that very rarely gets on the bandwagon anymore. This little man looks like a project, from the projects.

The “bandwagon” reasons for loving Lil Wheezy F* baby.

1. Super head was hooked.
I don’t think I need to go in-depth about this. Read the book!

2. He’s a sensitive man
There isn’t another rapper out there who whines on a track like LW. He’s right up there on the list of men with sensitivity (some place very near to the bottom) under Ralph Tresvant, Luther, Chico Debarge and his brother El.

3. He’s spiritual and deep.
I mean just look at his body. He’s got 5011 tattoos and a lot of them are all Jesus-ee and stuff. There is even a letter to God on his back right next to his bullet wound.

4. He looks like he can put it down!
Ehemmm…. I’ve heard his little muscle body looks like it can lay your a$$ out, flip you over, and... you all night long. This is what I’ve heard the ladies say. I’ve also heard that he looks like he frequents the Y. Again this is hear say people.

5. He got money
Whether he’ll be giving you any or not… is another story. But we know he’s got some. I mean what everyday person can afford a grill set like that?

6. His distinctive… voice, appearance, hair
*Insert sound bite here*… sorry it wouldn’t link up. But you guys can turn on the radio. It should take about 7 minutes before they play some track with Wheezy F Baby crooning.

7. He loves his daddy…

If you look at this picture you will see that even the "crew" was a little aw struck by this father/son display of affection. I'm just sayin yall.... IDK.

Holla Back!

The Parental "Cut"

Those of you who know me well know that I value my mother’s opinion very highly. I can honestly say that she usually has the best insight and knows me better than anyone. During one of our cross-country-tele-coffee conferences she decided she’d ask about my recent flaming fixations. I’ve recently made a lifestyle decision and she’s very excited about the possibility of getting grandchildren. (I don’t think she realizes that her getting a grandchild has nothing to do with lifestyle but everything to do with the selfishness of the child she raised herself). You would think she’s over there praying for an accidental knock-up and shot gun wedding.

Anyway, since the last couple companionship attempts went a rye for one reason or another I’ve been a bit disinclined to share my details with her… for fear of that silent “I told yo ass”-ness over the telephone line. So reluctantly I shared my bidness. I’ve found that when I share my business with her every suitor gets a “DENIED” stamp on their forehead before I can even say their name. Granted so far our record is 0- to say 7/8 with her in the lead.

This convo got me thinkin a little bit about whether anyone would make the parental “cut” in her eyes. In this same conversation she told me how her dear friend will never think anyone is “good enough” for her daughter… of course on my end I was laughing at this statement because the reality is I don’t think she will either.

For various reasons dating a loser tends to shine through, sometimes even while over the phone. I guess the flip side to this would be that thus far she hasn’t given me any erroneous information. But I can’t help but question whether she would shoot someone down for a glass of wine with dinner every night or sitting on the couch commando without some type of barrier. I guess I’ll just have to find someone extremely stellar and test this theory. Maybe I’ll make up a fake date or something

So readers… what do you think? Give me some things that wouldn’t make the “parental cut” for your parents. Also give me your score!

Our married readers may have an advantage here.

Sounds I dislike...

• My unattactive co-worker grunting in the stall next to me.
• Nails on a chalk board
• Squeeky breaks
• Songs that shouldn't be remixed/mixed together on the radio
• Chumbawumba* I don't know how to spell that sh*t
• My roommate snoring

Any thoughts?

Lesbian sex with a man

I don’t know how I end up in this strange predicament. It could be that I’m such a good sport or that I just look like the kinda girl that would not judge you go for this sorta thing, but I seem to always end up with that guy dishing out “lesbian sex”. Granted within the past few years I’ve been with very few… as in Two… men and I will never understand how they/I find each other. Basic equation goes like this…

A Phat Ass + Small Junk = Miss Connection

What is lesbian sex with a man you ask? It’s having sex with a man who is NOT endowed or erectile-E fit in any way and excepting the usual attempt at penetration and or (finger f*cking), hand job he offers up in addition to sub-prime cunnalingus…. I should totally add that to the urban dictionary.

My first male lesbian was a hook up from around the way. He’s your everyday boy who likes his place in disarray; take out for breakfast, lunch and dinner, and that all too famous eu de toilette of dirty socks, fried onions and corn chips. He’s just your average All American bachelor. So a friend hooked us up I guess b/c she figured I was {horny} lonely and he was {horny} lonely and basically we weren’t doing very much to fix the situation. Our first night together was a festival of bloopers or more like an unsuccessful game of twister. That night I know I’d had “sex” but wasn’t sure when. I remember the tongue play and the role play but I didn’t remember anything going in or coming out. So I tried it again… This time we played and tussled, wrestled and caressed and at the end of it all… there was no inter-course. I decided to take matters into my own hands, literally. But this didn’t change the scene any.

I must have been a glutton for punishment, or maybe the head was getting pretty good, but I continued this emotion-less twister game for about a month until he learned a new skill! Our mutual friend was a lesbian and while they were chatting it up one day she told him about the two finger thrust. A skill I helped him master quit easily, as it benefited me greatly. Eventually our “times” were over and I moved on to actual women and explored my meow side.

I think the last guy really tipped the scale for me. Last week I was experiencing this voracious “itch” so decided to meet a man the usual way busy, urban, professional women do… I placed an ad and met “C.” I chose this guy because he came at me with the most professionalism and tact. His telephone and text swagger was confident and sexy, not to mention his picture looked fine. What I should have learned is … beware of the guy who doesn’t send you a picture of his “junk.”
I find out he’s a frat brother of my sorority and he’s got mad conversation skills…. Not exactly what I was looking for… but totally made up for his short comings.

So I get to his home and we’re commencing the 12 play. The lights are low, Niagara Falls is flowing and we are rubbing and caressing. Clothes are off and we begin the twister game. All I can do here is shake my head. We played twister until it was so dark out side I couldn’t be seen. Until I laid my smack down and taught him a few things… yes it’s like that.
Two 22oz. Slurpee’s and a bag of ruffles later I find out he’s cheating on his girlfriend with me. You know I asked him why… and like I’ve learned from so many men before… the answer was because he could. It’s a good thing I’m not getting serious with this dude, and I fear for the woman that is, is all I gotta say. For this last guy I came to the conclusion that he does this because of the size of his junk. Despite the confident swagger he covered himself with a towel like a little boy at camp when it was all over.

I have these questions that I’m sure will go unanswered unless someone with ED or SP happens to read this. I still have them because at the time I just didn’t have the “balls” to ask…. why as a man should you keep going, if the puzzle piece doesn’t fit? Is it part of that alpha male, Napoleon complex, thing? Sufficed to say I won’t be playing this game any more, I think I’ve had my fair share.

Maybe my readers have some insight.

The "times" have changed

A friend and I had this funny little habit of calling our seasonal outfits and accessories "times". I guess part of this was because of the great times we had while acquiring and wearing them in addition to the fact that… some times our "times" were Ovah! and we needed an update. Just like our clothes went out of fashion so did our relationship. I have to laugh every now and again because really I thought she and I would be friends forever. I pictured us being fabulous at some resort in Palm Springs. I miss her dearly and it feels like she's died in my world sometimes. I can see her via modern technology, but I am grieving the communication we used to share. I don't think anyone ever really knew me the way she did, the good the bad the ugly. Till this day I'm not really certain what I did to hurt her, piss her off, or become so unbearable. I guess like the saying goes people come into our lives for an allotted time period, be it a day, week, month or years, or time was just OVER.
I don't think that any severed friendship has hurt me more than this one. I have lost many folks along the way and I've tossed the situation up to the heavens as one of those…"eh, that's life" calls but I truly am confused. I guess you can say this post is inspired by grief, and a minimal act of desperation spirited by shear confusion. All those that know me know that I cherish my friends to the point at which I would give up a limb or organ to keep them alive. So to all of you in my life right now I want to say "I Love you." I know you've heard me say it a billion + times and it's because I believe in telling you while you're here, and you'll never have to question. To the others I bid a warm Good Bye, you'll totally be missed:
(I did name the names here... but I figured yall didn't need to know all that)

Do I look bothered?

I’m in one of those moods today. I feel grumpy and uncomfortable due to the intestinal unrest caused by my medication. I feel like letting a few folks have it. If you’re reading this… I’m not sorry it’s you; If you’re not reading this… I’m still not sorry it’s you. To kick things off I’d like to start with my morning. I had a wonderful workout at in the pool. I did water running and aerobic, an exercise I find extremely taxing yet rejuvenating until… I got back to the locker room and realized I’d forgotten my body wash at home. So let’s start with the first lady to salt my wound….


To you the girl in the pool locker room lovingly caressing yourself with your Shea butter and honey Lubriderm lotion, periodically peeking over at me to see how my goodies looked, I say BITE ME!!!


When I’m done in the pool and have showered and what not the only thing I want to do is dry, dress, and get my chunky ass out of the locker room so as few people as possible will see my wobbly bits…. But you…. you were done showering, dressed, moisturized and making me just a wee bit uncomfortable with all that lotioning.
I also noticed you had on a “STAFF” T-shirt. Which kinda fueled my internal outrage just a bit more… because shouldn’t you be getting your behind to work?
Yes I know… I should have stripped down without any insecurity and let the world see my naughty bits… or at least everyone who walked by… but hey, I’m not there yet. The chest… yes, go ahead and look. The legs… yes, take a gander. The gut… I’m not sharing it unless you’re rubbing it.
I heard you sniggle a little when I was balancing on one foot attempting to keep my candy heart panties dry while simultaneously putting them on. You just sat there with a sweet little innocent look on your face as I fell against the locker to keep myself semi upright. Kick Rocks chick! I hope you had a great day B*tch!


Next off… the Communications Director who sits up on the 6th floor.


I gave you two layouts yesterday… to which I was given no reply. You have been at your desk poot putting around, pretending to read that big book of BLAH. I requested your comments yesterday, and if you had no time to go over it a simple I’ll look them over, or these are in the direction I want to go would have done.
Instead you’re going to wait till Friday, knowing full well you need the document on Monday. And then when I’m trying to leave early you’re going to throw a monkey wrench in my plan. Well lady you too can BITE ME! On Friday when it’s time for me to go home I won’t be answering your call. It’s a good thing our work phones come with caller ID. Step in my Office b%itch, you’re FIRED!


Last but not least to my Roommate, this rant’s for you. Provided purely b/c she pisses me off on a Daily basis.


You know we all have issues and a head ache or sore knee shouldn’t stop us from taking care of our business as adults. Hell a hurt ankle sure as fuck didn’t stop you from asking me to bring you something home to eat after you’d set your FAT ass on the couch all day. To you I say Get a gottdamn JOB! Maybe a girlfriend while you’re at it. If you’re not screwing me and I’m paying rent then I shouldn’t have to look at your ass every evening when I get home.
You keep that TV on all day and night as though you are missing life without it. For you it really has turned into the boob tube. I don’t know what you’d do if you missed anyone of your stupid ass shows. I am almost certain they make you dumber and dumber each and everyday. Oh yeah and FYI… being fat, laying on the couch all day, and not eating hasn’t made you any skinnier, it only pisses me off b/c you claim to have one of those headaches that is only cured by watching… you guessed it…. MORE TV! In fact it looks like you’ve gained a few!
I’m looking forward to when you begin work and I’m praying that it’s some kind of late shift so that I can get my fucking freak on at home while your ass is gone; in addition to saving up to get away from you… I think I might just take a loan out on that plan.


I say good day… to those of you not mentioned, and thanks for reading.

Loving me... Loving You

I met with a friend of mine the last few days. She's currently down in the dumps about lost love, and I can't help but think of this ABBA song. It's a good song. Those of you who haven't heard it should Google it. But even more than that, it makes me think of the all too famous Sex and the City line by Miss Samantha...."I love you, but I love me more."

I’ve had so much time within the last few months to just focus on me. But I haven’t given myself half of the attention I deserve, until just recently. Looking back I’m almost a little ashamed of that. I like so many other single people out there want to one day VERY SOON finde their mate. But I think what we all need to remember is that there is no way to love anyone with the absolute force they may deserve without loving your self first. Loving another being takes so much energy yet it should feel effortless.

If doesn’t feel that way then you should step outside of the situation and re-evaluate a few things. But most importantly you need to work on loving yourself and who you are before you can even expect anyone else too. How else will you be able to teach them what is necessary to and for loving you. I guess really the line should read... loving me so that I can love you.

Oh... just change your shoes!

So I started my day off in my usual early morning footwear fashion… slipping on some flip-flops before walking out the door. I decided when I got to work that I would wear these until someone strolled by my cube and scolded me for my inner office beach attire. But some time around 11:30 I realized I was cold and decided to slip on some other shoes. I decided on my Pink Nike’s. I haven’t worn these much since my split with her. To my pleasured surprise this small change in footwear totally lifted my sprits. It’s as though I walked taller, glided along the floor faster, and I definitely made less noise. I remember when I got these shoes. I was with an adored companion at the time and she took me to the Lady Foot Locker outlet. A store I have absolutely come to love as I am now an avid fitness fanatic.
I’m not much of a sneaker shoe shopper but she was, so we went. I peeked in so many boxes that day and then BAM!, I lifted one box lid and then another to find a pink air force 1 surprise. I can’t say I’m the biggest fan of air force 1’s either but these sneakers had my heart. I don’t know if it was the youth that they sparked in my soul or the fact that they were… in my size and pink. Either way, I was in love.
Of course I initially started this blog to tell you to change your shoes if you find yourself needing a boost, but make sure they are ones that you absolutely LOVE!

My Secret Desire

I've always had a secret desire to go to fat camp. When I was younger and went to activities like camp I never really participated. I was kind of shy, but as time progressed I became more and more outgoing and eventually grew out of going to camp like activities. But boy if I was allowed to go now. I would water ski, play volleyball, climb trees, participate in competitions. I love the idea of seeing all the active chubbies running around sweating and gasping for breath without feeling self-conscious because everyone else is gasping for air too. Oh the things I would do.